So yeah, before my niece was born  (10 years ago!) I wrote her a poem listing all the things I would do as an aunt.  The new baby's shower is this Saturday (it's also my sister's wedding anniverary, but some how the baby shower swallowed up that celebration.)  Here's the new baby's poem:

For Miles 11/06/09

I will

Be first mate to your captain

Help you scale castle walls

Aid in rescuing the princess

Pick you up when you fall

Bake mud cakes in the sun

Catch ladybugs in jars

Search for buried treasure

And count shooting stars

Fold paper airplanes

That fly clear blue skies

Skip rocks through the water

And watch clouds passing by

Play pretend

Count to ten

While you hide and I seek

Stalk ants

Rumpus dance

While you drum out the beat

Build race cars

Climb monkey bars

Declare you king of the hill

Throw balls

Sock skate through halls

Speak Pig Latin with skill

I promise to do all things listed above

but last, and most important

I will shower you with love

So yeah, it’s been a while.

The term "spinster" was originally intended to indicate a woman who spun wool, thereby living independently of a male wage. These women were invariably single and, due to the medieval fear of unmarried women, became correlated with their pagan sisters as witches. During the Elizabethan era, spinster (or old maid) came to indicate a woman or girl of marriageable age who has been unwilling or unable to marry and has no children. Socially, the term is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the customary age for marriage, and is sometimes considered an insulting term, more degrading than the term "bachelor" for males. While men can continue to have children into their 70s or 80s, women generally become less and less able to bear children as they get older. So the term "old maid" is only applied to women who are past a child bearing age but have never married.

~Wikipedia

Well I’m a half ass knitter, so that’s kinda accurate. I wonder if I can write in ‘spinster’ under marital status on forms. I think I just might.

Currently I’m trapped in pregnancy Hell. Not only is my sister pregnant, but so is one of her friends and Snuffy, the office idiot. If there was ever a person that shouldn’t breed.. it is Snuffy. She’s like literally 2 months pregnant and she’s talking about having pickles and ice cream cravings.. can you BE MORE DRAMATIC? What are you, a 50’s sitcom housewife? Get the fuck out of here.

Every day after the day she found out she has been bitching to me about her ‘condition’ until finally I said “look, I cant do this for 9 months. I can’t listen to anymore stories about your vajayjay” Your life mistakes are not mine.. really. I didn’t put it there.. so please don’t make me go through this with you.

Not to mention that I’m going to have to go to my sister’s baby shower/ first anniversary but mostly baby shower party in November. When she told me she was pregnant the first thing I said was “I’m not planning a shower” Why? Because for the past THREE YEARS I have been planning engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, weddings.. and I am done. I did my duties as sister, and I am now emancipated.

This doesn’t however mean that she didn’t ask me to cook something for the shower, and that every day she sends me clothing options for what she should wear to the shower, or where she should order invitations from, or ask me to proof read said invitation.

The Constant Gardner’s sister has been trying to get my number from them for months wanting to call me and talk to me about these shower plans.

Oh, how I WISH she would

Did I mention that my sister volunteered me to cook something for her FRIEND’S SHOWER THE WEEKEND AFTER HERS?

Really?

Nobody better be celebrating SHIT next year and ask me to do more than come and drink up all their drink and eat up all their food. Seriously.

Anyways..

My family met Mellow a few weeks ago. Kinda happenstance, we had just come back from Apple Picking and Mellow came by. God he looked good.. Picture it: 6’5” thick.. freshly trimmed facial hair.. Black Superman t shirt .. jeans. Mmmmm.

Anyway.. he met the family who happened to be sitting in the back yard. My sister said he was cute.. I said he was a platonic friend. Don’t get cut, heffa.

Anyway.. we …..reunited and it felt.. well you know the song.. :: blush::

So Mellow stayed and watched me get dressed in my party mode until Mike, my party ride, came and picked me up.. Mellow walked me out to the car, hugged and kissed me and sent me on my way. Mike said “does your friend know you are going to a swing party?” I said “yup” Mike just shook his head.

This is my normal.

I’m going to back to back parties next weekend. An online friend (referred to me by a guy I met once at a party a year or so ago) invited me to a party he is throwing in CT. This guy, Shawn, has invited me to every party he’s thrown for over a year. I never go. First of all, it’s in CT.. two hours away. Secondly, they are ‘all black’ parties and that kind of makes me stand offish. I’m a United Nations kind of girl, and ‘all’ anything parties kind of turns me off. Thirdly, I never had any “all black” anyone else to go with. This time I’m going.

I met Mike because I moderate the yahoo group for the RI party that I go to and Mike needed ‘approval’ to get into the group. Basically, he needed me to click the button that said “approve”. We started talking, he lives close.. blah blah blah. He , me, and a female friend of his went to a RI party together, they seem like cool people he mentioned never having been to an all black party.. I mentioned that I knew of one, blah blah woof woof I got him an invite to CT. so now I HAVE to go.

Ok, so since I’ve told Shawn I was going to this party every single day he and I talk. Every single day he makes requests for how much time he wants me to spend with him at the party. The latest is he’d like me to tie my wrist to his belt loop and follow him around the party all night.

Yeah. This is the life I lead.

Now, I don’t mind this. But the party costs me $15 to get into.. and I’m not paying that price to be at his beck and call girl all night and not be able to meet anyone else. For that to happen, I’m going to need you to waive that fee.

The other part of that is I’m driving down with Mike and his female friend. Now, he and I have ‘played’ once and last weekend he came over for a Round 2 (but only for HIS benefit… if you get my drift) So I’m thinking it’s probably not good politics for me to jump out of Mike’s car and hang out with Shawn all night. I’d like to have that guaranteed ride home, ya feel me?

Not to mention that I don’t think Mike and I will play again anytime soon, he seems to be of the mindset that I find just pleasing HIM as a great honor. Um……….no… I’m going to need more class participation than that. Plus he’s not ‘oral’

Wait…..what?

And he had the NERVE to ask me when I was inviting him back over. Oh, on Neverday. That’s when… Neverday

Good thing last weekend involved a Double Feature. Father Carlos came over Saturday night, always a guaranteed good time, and “talk into the” Mike came over Sunday. I could have possibly scheduled something on Monday, but I didn’t really put any effort into it.

Have I mentioned that Silverback_RI said this time a year is when I began a ‘frenzy’ that usually lasts two months? Yup.. sucks when he’s right.

So next Saturday (after the Friday party) I’m going to my regular RI party in costume! Go Halloween party! If Silverback goes as a priest, I will be attending in Catholic school girl uniform, complete with plaid jumper, button up shirt, and Mary Janes. If I can squeeze the afro into two afro puffs, all the better. If he doesn’t end up going, I’m going to put on my bridesmaid dress and wings and go as a fairy god mother. Perhaps I’ll grant wishes.

I just got a text that read “Would you ever be up for a 3AM booty call?”

My response “Not on a school night”

Yeah, this is going to be an interesting few months. Viva Autumn!

So yeah, the gist is we are having my late grandmother's annual birthday party this Saturday.  I'm making baked ziti (like lasagna.. but with ziti)  I forgot to take the sausage out of the freezer this morning.  I made the mistake of having a conversation with my mother about it (a couple of things you should know..  (1) my mother has to pick up the birthday cake at 10 at Stop and shop.  I'm driving her.  and (dos) my oven doesn't work.):

Me:  Crap, I forgot to take the Italian sausage out of the freezer.  eh, I'll just make the baked ziti in the morning.  No biggie.

Her: but you’ll have to get up and do it early

Me: why?

Her: cuz you have to take me to Stop and Shop

Me: at 10.

Her: yeah at 10 (she said it slow.. like I'm slow)

Me: if you think I’m getting up before 9AM to make ziti you are crazy.

Her: but I have to clean my bathroom

Me: That’s ok, I don’t plan on making the ziti in the bathroom

Her: but you are going to make a mess

Me: in the bathroom?

Her: no, I have to clean the house

Me: It’s just mixing together ziti and sausage. I’m not getting out of my bed before 9:00

Her: but..

Me: people aren’t showing up at your house until 2

Her: I don’t know what time they are coming

Me: but you know they ain’t coming at 10 in the morning.

Her: but..

Me: ok, I’ll put the sausage in the overn tonight.. frozen.. and stir it all together tomorrow.. put it in the oven when we get back from Stop and Shop

Her: Fine.

Me: o_O

Her:  you make my butt itch.